I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
