I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
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I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
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We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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