i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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