I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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