She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You need a sexual gate keeper
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
