im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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