His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
