take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
