what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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