genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
