it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
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