Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
