careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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