Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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