OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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