i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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