you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Alive.
So much puke
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
