today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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