I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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