i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
