it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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