I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
