I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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