remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
