We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize