Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
