I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
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Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
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So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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