Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
