Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
