I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
