i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
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I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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