so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
