I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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