I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
