i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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