There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
