My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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