last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
