Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
