The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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