Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
