I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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