my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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