You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
