She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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