I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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