The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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