I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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