we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
