When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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