my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
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You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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