If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
