I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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