My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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