I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I am one with the molecules
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
