Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
