$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize